Measure Your Life With The Right Ruler

We’re not always conscious when we are asking people to live their lives on our schedules or measure their lives by our own rulers.

That’s because ‘the ask’ is disguised as advice that sounds good to us and we lose sight of the recipients and their feelings. Sometimes it’s disguised as questions that challenge their life choices.

So we need to recognise when we are doing this to others and when it’s being done to us. We or they are doing it because we all ‘care’ and mean no harm but somehow we cause harm by doing it.

Are you measuring your life with someone else’s ruler?

Let’s talk about what measuring your life by other people’s ruler looks like. It tends to start when you hear certain phrases that include:

You need to ……

How many times have you shared with others and they start their response with the phrase, ‘you need to’…. You need to do this, you need to say that? How often are you the one saying that to others?

That presumes we have the right answer for them and leaves no room for their input.  

You should ……

This is the egotistic dictator in us coming out when we proceed to tell people what they should do or say and how they should live. We usually can’t help ourselves because we want to help using whatever knowledge or experience that we have.

It’s not a bad thing to want to help but we need to remember how minute what we know is in the scheme of things. Yes we might be older, more experienced and more educated but we still don’t know it all.

The only way is to ……

When I hear the phrase, ‘the only way is to …’ My immediate thoughts are, ‘says who’? Is it really the only way or is it the only way as the speaker currently sees it.

Quite often you find there are other ways even as the conversation progresses and people work through their thoughts.

Why haven’t you ……?

Again when we start a dialogue in that way, we have already made assumptions about them and judged them in the process. And usually we are asking why they haven’t done something we would have done when they are not us.

Sometimes we question people’s life choices because they are different from ours. Maybe their choices wouldn’t work for us but who says our choices would work for them? And what makes ours right and theirs wrong?

So how do we make better decisions in this area?

Be a great active listener

Many times, that’s all people need. They don’t want to be treated like children. They want a sounding board that helps them to get out of their own heads. Most times, people can figure out the right solution for them. Resist the urge to jump in with solutions.

Ask probing questions

We can use probing questions to help others think broader and deeper. Help them come up with solutions that will work for them.

We can ask questions like, ‘what else have you considered?’, ‘what are your immediate thoughts?’ ‘What are your concerns if you do option A versus B?’ ‘Is there anything else you’re worried about?’

Our role when we ask the right questions is to be a guide not a dictator.

Share your experience

Share your experience without asking or suggesting that they do it your way. It’s great to share our wisdom, knowledge and experiences with others. The key is how we do it. We must do it in a way that doesn’t presume to know the right answers for them.

Simply tell your own story and make it clear it’s what worked for you and acknowledge it might not work for them but you hope they can still learn from it.

Set boundaries

If it’s being done to you, just set your boundaries. Tell them what you need from them and move on if they can’t respect your boundaries.

If someone tells you what they need, respect their wishes and refuse the urge to make them your project. Let’s learn to love and help others without demanding they live their lives by our own measures.

Thanks for reading my post. Please share it and see you next week.