The Lone Flower – part 2

When I wrote last week’s post on the lone flower, there was a story I wanted to share but couldn’t because the post would have been too long.

Then I came across the quote by Steve Jobs which says, “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.” This quote brought that story back to me and reminded me it was still worth sharing.

It’s about a young lad who was recruited right out of college into a good job but he soon started to have issues with his family and friends within the estate he came from. He was accused of trying to prove that he was better than them, being a fool because his benefits entitlement could have rivalled his starting salary and he was told he was no longer welcome on the estate.

Heartbreakingly, despite the support from his manager, the young lad finally gave into the pressures which eventually led to him giving up the job. Had he stuck with it, he would been the first in his family to hold a paying job, finish school and start a whole new trajectory for future generations.

He would have had to be the lone flower that insisted on blooming even when all others refused to. This week, while listening to a podcast, I heard of another example where a young man was beaten up by his local gang members, aka friends he hung around the neighbourhood with, because he dared to learn to read.

This got me thinking about the many times people close to us are uncomfortable with our progress or goals in life. We see this when the choices of one person is forcing others to face the realities of their own lives and seeing things they would rather not see or address.

A common area that I have seen this is in the area of weight management where one person amongst a group of generally unhealthy people decides to actively make changes. There will be those that are pleased for them and willing to support them and there will be others who will underplay the need for their decision and undermine their actions, not minding the impact on their well being.

I don’t think people set out to do harm but they are uncomfortable with seeing a decision that they know they also need to make but are unwilling to do so. As they say misery loves company.

I watched a TV show in which a woman succeeded in her weight-loss goal and when she invited her friends to a reveal of her new look, almost all of them said they didn’t know how unhappy she was despite her repeatedly telling them. Some accepted that it wasn’t that they didn’t hear her, but rather they felt it wasn’t a big deal so they ignored her cry for understanding and support.

So what can we do about this?

Don’t be afraid to shake things up

If you find yourself amongst people who want you to fail so they can remain comfortable in their chosen current state, don’t be afraid to move on and find people who would stand with you on your way to being a better and healthier version of you.

Remove the scales from your eyes

When you have people who say they are your friends, family or care for you but are willing to humiliate and punish you for wanting to be or do better, then you’ve got to answer the question, ‘how much do they really care?’

This is common amongst people groomed in gangs that persuade them that they are family. And it’s easy to believe on good days when things are going according to “the family’s” plan and any unwritten codes of conduct. What to look out for is the reaction of ‘the family’ when you go against their expectations. Too many people soon realise at that point they really are alone and without the support they thought they had.

In many cases ex-gang members have only been successful after they made a radical change to cut all ties and move away. They lose every connection they once had and have to risk being alone to have a chance at rebuilding their lives. Remove the scales from your eyes and make the tough decisions you need to make.

Judge people by their expectations of you

There are many cases of youth grooming by criminal gangs operating across county lines. In some cases the grooming is for sex and in others it is for drug dealing. Statistics tell us that many teenagers who are trafficked for sex are doing it under people who claim to care for them.

Many of these girls start by having what they thought was a relationship with someone they love who soon starts to make unrealistic and unfair demands of them. Young boys have ‘older brothers and mentors’ who force them to make choices that set them on bad paths indefinitely.

Some vulnerable people are introduced to their first drug use by people who end up out-living them or living a successful life while their victim’s life goes downhill from that first poor choice.

This is why we have to help our young people to be strong enough to judge people by their expectations of them. Anyone who encourages you on a path to trafficking, addiction, jail time, rules breaking and living beneath your capability can’t care about you or really be your friend.

Thanks for reading my post; don’t forget to share the link. Have a great week.

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