In Their Shoes

This is a subject that is long overdue and it has come to the forefront of my mind again this week as I was reminded of the subject in and outside of work. And closely linked to this is the subject of empathy.

We are all so busy and inward looking that we tend to overlook the impact of what we want, do or say on others. We have a tendency to only focus on what we want for ourselves and what would feel good for us despite what it might cost someone else if we get our wishes from them.

At the root of this behaviour is self-centredness and the inability to put ourselves in other people’s shoes choosing only to think about ourselves.

I have heard of stories where people write nasty emails or provide abusive feedback just because they are displeased. That’s why ‘feedback’ sometimes has a reputation that often makes it unwanted. Feedback is useful and needed for growth and improvement but it takes a lot of maturity to sift through poorly given feedback to take what is useful for your growth.

We have a proverb in Nigeria that says, ‘it’s easier to send someone else’s child on a night mission.’ This is because even at the best of times, night missions are considered riskier and the child could lose their way or be harmed.

What this proverb is saying is if you had a choice to send your own child or someone else’s child on a dangerous task or give them a more stressful task, you are more likely to pass the harder, riskier and more challenging task to another child. If you have a choice to take advantage of someone, you are more likely to want to take advantage of someone else’s child rather than yours and people are more likely to take from others just so they can give whatever it is to their children.

This is because we are wired to care firstly for our own, we have a tendency to look after number one where number one is us, our family members or friends. And many people don’t mind stepping on others to get or give their children an advantage.

I love how such proverbs remind us of how to respond when others want to take advantage of us. It is a reminder that you have to take responsibility for your own wellbeing and safety because no one else will. You have to do your own risk assessment of the ask or demand from others.

People will ask or demand things of you that they would never demand of their own children, they would expect you to bend over backwards but hope their own children would never be put in similar situations. This doesn’t add up.

Growing up, my mum had a corner shop and she sold packets of cigarettes amongst other expected wares; I didn’t like the idea so I tried to dissuade her from selling them despite the profit margins. We continued to have a debate about this and one day, I brought it home by asking her how she would feel if my brother smoked cigarettes.

She prayed and hoped that he wouldn’t. So I asked her how she could pray that her son wouldn’t smoke but be willing to sell cigarettes to other people’s ‘children’.

There was an age limit for buying cigarettes so my reference to ‘children’, was driven by the thought that every person is someone’s child. This was a sobering thought for her so she decided to stop selling them and she immediately did.

At the end of the day, no one is more important or valuable than anyone else. Grief is grief, Joy is joy and Love is love regardless of our statuses in life. The rich and powerful don’t mourn a loss different from the poor and the pain they feel isn’t any more special than others feel. And your child isn’t more valuable than anyone else’s. Don’t step on or take advantage of others for them. That’s simply unfair.

My post today is a reminder to us all to learn to put ourselves in other people’s shoes when making decisions, giving feedback or making a demand from them.

Ask some golden questions such as, ‘would I be happy to do or be put in the situation that I’m about to put them in? Would I be happy to receive the feedback I am about to give in the way that I want to give it? Would I want to be taken advantage of as I am about to do to someone else? Would I do this to or demand this of my own child?

Empathy must be our watchword and we must see ourselves in other people’s shoes before we can create a better and fairer world for all.

Thanks for reading and sharing my post. Have a great week.