The ‘Déjà vu’ Question

Over the past couple of weeks, the social media and news channels have been discussing the encounter between one of the ladies in the service of the Royal establishment and a charity boss. Some people found it offensive, others tried to rationalise it or even claim it was a set up.

I call it the ‘Déjà vu’ question because it’s one that comes up on a regular basis for millions of people who call a place home. It’s a question that barely takes me by surprise; it’s one that I am willing to ‘cut to the chase’ to in my answer and I mostly do just that.

It’s the question, ‘where are you really from?’

It’s a question that can be innocently asked out of curiosity and one that I have asked others especially when I detect an accent that I am trying to place. I am fascinated by people so will often try and guess an accent so I ask the question, ‘where is your accent from?, it sounds like ….., am I right? Sometimes this is just me trying to place a Scottish versus Welsh versus Irish or an English accent.

This usually opens the door for me to engage people in conversations about themselves. I end up learning about their journeys, values, struggles, cultures and food. My questions always end with one on their cuisine, whether they still cook it, what they would recommend I learn how to make etc. The conversation ends with them knowing I was genuinely interested in them.

I have also been on the end of conversations where I felt that people were genuinely interested in me as a person and you can tell by how their questions are phrased, the tone of their voice, their stance and overall body language.

Sadly there have been other times when you detect an aggression to people’s questioning, a sense of entitlement that they own the country you call home, they make you feel like ‘they’ are doing you a favour, a reminder that you escaped your ‘terrible’ country and consequently owe them and you should be grateful for however you are treated and almost apologetic for the life you’ve built.

In the distant past, I was tempted to justify how long I’ve lived here, always worked and contributed to society through taxes, charity organisations, being a Princes Trust mentor for some years, never committed a crime or claimed benefits.

Now I don’t. I have dual nationalities, I am proud of both and in no mood to defend or justify either one to anyone.

Someone once asked if I had an ‘English’ wedding as the traditional marriage we practice in Nigeria might not be valid. So I asked, ‘by English, do you mean a ‘church wedding?’ they said yes. So I told them our marriages were valid not because of the church ceremonies; they were valid because of the traditional ones. Our traditions predated many of today’s practices, so how can what comes after decide the legitimacy of what was before?

I went on to educate them on cultures and how no culture can presume theirs to be superior or right over another person’s culture. Cultures are different for valid reasons. I also reminded them that before church weddings, there were other ways commitments were made between married people.

I doubt that my great, great grandparents or great grand parents had a church wedding but they stayed together till death parted them. I wasn’t going to let anyone call the shots on the legitimacy of their marriages, my heritage, culture or way of living.

Realising they were speaking out of ignorance, I took them on a journey of traditional marriage ceremonies in Nigeria and how that contributed to much lower divorce rates compared to what I was seeing at the time. I explained how it was a union, not just between the couple, but between the two families.

Another time, I was asked if the reason African children don’t wear clothes is because they are poor. I responded that sometimes it is, sometimes it’s because it is hot, sometimes it’s because they stopped to play or swim and knowing they must not get home in dirty clothes, they take off their clothes. Sometimes the children choose not to wear their clothes.

And sometimes it’s simply because some people only want to capture the pictures that sell their chosen narratives or propaganda. Anyone can capture images of shirtless grown people after a football match or on a ‘hot’ day which can be 10 or more degrees cooler than what obtains in many parts of Africa and conclude that they are shirtless because of poverty.

My response to the ‘Déjà vu’ question, is to say, ‘I am originally from Nigeria and I have lived here for over 25 years, what about you, where are you from?’ Some are taken aback because they expect me to conclude they are from here but why should I?

In conclusion, where we ‘originally’ come from is a moot point. People have moved and DNA results today tell us no one has pure blood in them, we are a mish mash of those that lived before us and what a unique privilege that is.

No one came into this world owning anything or any place and we leave this world with nothing. What matters is how we live, love and the difference we make to those that encounter us and to the wider world.

This particular ‘identity‘ question is never going away. Know who you are and be proud of that, educate yourself and others on how to ask and answer the question; don’t lose sleep over moot points. Thanks for reading my post. Have a great week.