Author: Olayemi Bayode

In Disney’s Snow White story, the beautiful and wicked queen would ask the mirror who was the most beautiful and was told that she was. That was until the day that she wasn’t. This changed the course of her life and made Snow White the target of her hatred. There are many lessons for us to learn from this. Sadly many of us desperately seek validation from ‘mirrors’ aka other people. Although this temporarily massages our egos, it can only go so far. People get tired of playing the role of ego massagers or they tell us what we want to hear but we still don’t believe them so it’s of no effect. This week, my question to you is, ‘how do you see yourself?’ What do you see when you look in the mirror? Who do you see? Or are you too afraid to even look? We have to learn to love, value and appreciate who we are. It’s easier to do this with others. We pay people compliments and yet struggle to accept one in return. We encourage others after they make a mistake and refuse to give ourselves a break for our own. One of the commandments in the Bible says, ‘love your neighbour as yourself’. Regardless of your beliefs, we can take a leaf from that instruction. Simply put it means we must learn to love ourselves to truly love others. So back to my question, do you see yourself as worthless, powerless, weak, pitiful, inadequate or unworthy? Or do you see yourself as the result of a master stroke of genius, someone who is made up of parts that are lovingly crafted together? Do you see the potentials that are on the inside of you? Do you realise you’re strong and powerful beyond measure? No one is worthless or inadequate unless they believe the lies that they are. These lies can come from life experiences, bad relationships, wrong mindsets, wrong actions and thought patterns. The important thing to remember is that lies only become your truths when you agree with them. There are many stories when people have done unimaginable feats when faced with situations that demanded an uncommon or super-human response. People single-handedly lifted cars off victims or ran into burning buildings to save loved ones. They surpass their expectations of themselves. So what can we do when we don’t like who’s in the mirror? I’m no expert but there are times I've wished I was more capable, more outgoing or more artistic. I believe we can learn from each other and share tips and thoughts that can help us. So here are my thoughts: Stop seeking external validation Not everyone will tell us what we want to hear or see us as we truly are. When you look for validation from others, there’s a good chance that you will eventually be disappointed. You need to believe in yourself before others can or will. So rather than look for external validation, take time to search yourself, face your doubts and address each of them. Have a lens change Stop defining yourself through the wrong lens of your past circumstances, family history, failures or disappointments. We can learn from everything we’ve been through and not be defined by them. Stop acting from a place of fear Accept or work on your limitations, take actions to close any knowledge gaps, prepare for work and life so you don’t feel overwhelmed. 

Last week, I wrote about what I am thankful for. I want to conclude this week by covering the ‘Who’. Who am I thankful for? Like many of you, I am thankful for family, friends and colleagues but there are always people who stand out in our stories. My Father The first person who stands out for me is my father. I am thankful that he believed in me and set before me a vision that showed me anything is possible if I’m willing to work for it. Two of the first books he bought for my brother and I were ‘The Power Of Positive Thinking’ and ‘A Guide To Confident Living’ by Norman Vincent Peale. I flipped through the pages wondering where the pictures were. I was at an age when all my books were meant to have pictures in them. Thinking the words were too many, I looked at the titles again. I told myself, it must be important to think positively and to be confident, otherwise daddy wouldn’t have bought ‘the books with no pictures’. This was the start of my journey into personal development and recognising the responsibility that comes with that. A wolf in sheep's clothing I am thankful for a co-tenant when I was a young child for teaching me to listen to my inner voice and trust my intuition. As a young child, I was scared of the dark and always imagined monsters hiding under the beds. I often snuck into bed with my parents.   One day my parents travelled and left us in the care of a co-tenant who was like family. As I was scared of sleeping alone, I stayed with him. After a while, I felt very uneasy and I just knew I wasn’t safe. I realised I was more scared of being with him than I was of the monsters. So I left. He taught me the power of my intuition, the importance of listening to my inner voice and recognising when a hand bigger than I understood was delivering me from evil. My intuition has bailed me out more times than I can count and that protection from above has been my life saver. My Science Teacher I am thankful for Mr M.S. Ali who taught me for one year. Until he came to my school, I had believed the lie that I wasn’t cut out for sciences and had no hope of passing them. M. S. Ali came, saw that I had the potential to be good in Sciences and he made it his mission to help me. The most important thing he did was to challenge how I saw myself in relation to those subjects and the mental block I had put up. Over time, I realised that I could grasp contents that previously seemed like Ancient Greek. In one year, this amazing teacher helped me to turn around my grades. I have never forgotten the impact he had on my life and the lesson he taught me. He taught me that ‘can’t learn’ was my fear and did not have to be my reality.

What do you need to say thank you for? It has been a wet week but for once I was grateful for the rain in the middle of the British summer. The gardens were crying out for a relief from weeks of intense sunshine. So was I. As I pondered about saying thank you for the rain, I thought about people we need to say thank you to and things we need to say thank you for. For the most part, when we consider saying thanks, we think of good things. But I want to spin this on its head and challenge us to think about the ‘Not so great’ things that we can still be thankful for. We take the power away from situations when we look for the lessons they teach and the opportunities they give us to discover we are stronger than we thought. When we are in the thick of a situation, it’s difficult to find the good in it but if we look hard enough we will always find some good. As I pondered about the experiences that I am thankful for, a few stories came to mind. Thankful for being cheated, bullied and feeling powerless img_6850I remembered the first time I felt cheated and bullied. I was in primary school and a teacher wanted me to name the noise makers. I told her I didn’t know who they were and she accused me of protecting them and decided to send me out to sit in the hot sun. I felt powerless. Later she found out the school inspectors were visiting the school and asked me to come inside the class. I refused and told her that if she was right in punishing me, then she had nothing to fear. I took my power back. I was proud that I stood up for myself and this experience prepared me to deal with bullies later in life. I am thankful for learning I had a right to fair treatment. Today, I remind myself that if I could speak out against injustice as a child, I have no reason to stop now. Thankful for when the money wasn’t enough I am thankful that my parents couldn’t afford everything I wanted and I didn’t have everything I desired. I knew what I wanted but I understood what my parents had to offer. This led me to look for a part-time job as a student. I worked as a trainer with a Consulting firm which massively boosted my confidence as I found myself training people old enough to be my parents. I was scared the first time I walked into a training room full of strangers who looked at me wondering if I was in the right room. I am so grateful that I took a job for the money but got so much more in return. The job is still paying me forward today as I get opportunities to speak at events. Thankful for being told ‘No’ There were many times in my career that I was told ‘No’. ‘No’ on the back of job interviews, ‘No’ to getting an opportunity to develop a new skill and sometimes ‘No’ to being chosen to be part of what I considered to be interesting work. Every ‘No’ drove me to work harder and do self-assessments on what I could have done differently. On the back of these, I was able to take the necessary actions. I went for qualifications years before I needed them. I prepared better for interviews and I worked hard on any opportunities that I was given. Soon I became the person people wanted to work with and leaders were proud to have on their teams. Some missed opportunities turned out not to be so great. Was I disappointed when I got the ‘No’?. You bet. Did I give in to despair? Yes, for a bit but then I dusted myself off and learnt from each experience. Today, I am confident in my ability to do great work.

Driving back from an afternoon tea party, I saw a road sign that said ‘surface dressing for one day only’. For some reason, it struck a chord. The road into my town is getting ready for surface dressing. How about that? It got me thinking about the word ‘dressing’ and the importance of dressing the surfaces that we have. When we hear ‘dressing the surface’, I am sure most of us will think about clothes and shoes that are visible to the naked eye. As I thought about 'dressing the surface', I began to consider other things we can dress like our bodies, minds, our spirits and souls. So here are my thoughts on what and how we can dress. [caption id="attachment_870" align="alignleft" width="275"] Photo by pexels.com[/caption] Dress your mind with the right information You might ask, ‘how do you dress the mind?’. You can dress your mind with the right kind of information, knowledge and insight. We are in an age where there are so many tools to help dress our minds, including phone apps, books, podcasts, TED talks and a whole host of YouTube videos. There is information on any topic you want to learn. Now, it’s easy to adorn your mind in the right ways which could translate to improved decisions creating better results. [caption id="attachment_871" align="alignright" width="330"] Photo by Pexels.com[/caption] Dress your mind with the right thoughts Many years ago, I let my preference for introversion dictate what I did and I stayed in a mindset that told me I couldn't do any public speaking. This was until someone gave me an opportunity to speak without the option to say no. I had to learn to think differently about my personal preferences especially when I saw the response from the audience. Today, I speak to audiences of any size without giving a thought to my preference for introversion. The book, 'Quiet' by Susan Cain was really useful in helping me to celebrate and leverage my introversion. You can adorn your mind by thinking the right thoughts and listening to the right information that will nourish you and change your mindset. No one can be better than the information they feed on. So what do you think about? We should think on things that are honourable and worthy of respect, whatever is right, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute. We have to replace negative thoughts with positive ones and align our mindsets to work for us.